day 1. am I really starting a blog?

so today I'm starting a blog. not telling anyone about it..and secretly hoping no one I know finds it. I used to roll my eyes at bloggers.. seriously .. what kind of person thinks other people care about your every thought? but I need to journal. not for anyone else. but for me. a place I can air my thoughts and my praise for what I have to be thankful for.

it's been a long three weeks. there have been some bright spots.. but not nearly as many as I had hoped. journaling with a pen and page is not a fit for me. I don't stick to it. I can type much faster than I can write, and besides, there's a delete button when I get out of hand.

so this will be it. my journal.

it makes me a little nervous to be honest. what if someone does find it? and read it? they probably won't for stay with it.. I tend to get long-winded.

I had such high hopes for this summer. I was looking forward to an entire month at home. just me and the kids. pool time. movies. sleeping late. cleaning out drawers. getting my house ready for a new school year and spending great time together.

and it just hasn't turned out like I'd hoped.

first of all, I got this bright idea that it was time for our kids to learn how to work, save their money, budget... so scott (my husband) employed them. so my time with them non-stop turned to mondays and fridays and the weekends. 3 days a week they've been gone to work.

I've re-learned something about myself. I don't like being alone. I mean, there are times I enjoy some "me" time, but mostly I like being with people. not the summer I had planned.

then there was vacation. we had this terrific 10 day vacation planned to D.C. and we were all looking forward to it. we've been planning for months.

did I mention my husband owns his own business? he is a pipeline "broker" for lack of a better term. his company buys and sells pipe-new and used - and they've been waiting on a large job to start.

guess when it started?

you guessed it.

the week before we were supposed to leave.

and so we stayed home.

we decided on a whim to take our kids (15 and 13 years old) to Kansas City for a long weekend over the 4th of july and we had an incredible time. laughed until we cried. enjoyed every single second.

bittersweet to me - because I'm still sick we didn't get 10 days away from our life together.

and then there's the health/body makeover I was going to work on this summer.

I can't remember a time I didn't wish I could lose 20 pounds. and honestly, right now, I wish I could lose 40.

and this was going to be my summer to get a solid handle on things. a month off work - plenty of time to exercise and begin a routine - a habit.

well, guess how I've done on that?

this morning I saw a lady who was well into her 60's on tv who's lost 150 pounds. seriously? and I can't tackle 40? as far as I know I'm 40 and healthy. I don't really have a reason to lose weight. I just want to feel good. and let's face it.. look good. I work on a college campus and I'm surrounded by size 6 girls every day. I'm not striving to be them. I don't even want to be. it's just that I'm constantly aware that I'm a ways off from being where I wish I was.

so this was my summer to have a solid start.

finally, there's my relationship with Christ. for me, this is my biggest defeat. I want so much to feel as though I'm growing in Him. getting to know Him better. becoming more like Him. and right now I feel lost. dark. confused. I'm not wavering in my belief in Him or His ability to take care of me, but I just don't "feel" it right now. part of it, I think, is that I'm so unhappy with my church. I don't know why I can't just be content. but I don't feel like we have friends there. we aren't involved and really don't want to be.. it's just been a hard transition. details on another blog day, perhaps.

I've always struggled with a consistent "quiet time" and this summer has been no exception. I have a hard time studying scripture without a 'guide'. I want to hunger for the Word. and just the Word. not a Bible study.. not someone else's direction of where I should read..but God's Word and His direction only.

and so here I am.

just voicing it all gives me release.

and today I want to change the course of this mindset.

today.

I have so many things to be thankful for. too many to count.

my family is healthy. we are all happy. my husband loves me and does everything in his power to show me. he is a wonderful father. my children are incredible. they love God. they love each other. they are teenagers and they get along with each other and with us. we have a happy home. I really couldn't ask for more.

I love my job.

it's everything I'd hoped it would be and more. I love the opportunities I have to interact with students and establish relationships. I'm truly very thankful to be there.

in a day when I can turn on the news at any moment and hear about 'tough times' and unemployment, I am so thankful that scott and I both have jobs and we are happy there.

in short, I have no reason to be unhappy, down, depressed.. whatever this is.
I should be shouting from the mountain tops that I'm one week shy of being off work for one month, my family is healthy and happy, and the personal goals I have not reached are just because I need to get off the fence and reach them. so I didn't get the vacation I wanted.. woop-to-dee-dah.. lots of people don't.

but even though that's all true, I can't seem to get up out of this funk. why can't I just "decide" to change how I'm feeling? I keep thinking when I open all the blinds each morning and let the sunshine into my house, it's somehow going to bring some sunshine into my heart too.
but it's not happening.

with so much good why do I feel so low? as ridiculous as it is when I lay it all out there.. it's just how I'm seeing things right now through my eyes.